Dear Me in 2010 DON’T SLEEP ON FIREFLY,
But, of course you did.
I wish you hadn’t slept on Firefly for so long. Lili told you not long into your first year at HPU to watch episode one. So you watched it. And then, thought to yourself ‘what the hell is this shit,’ and moved on. Because, apparently, you couldn’t give the opening one more minute to get good.
Why. Were. You. So. Stupid?
But, in all seriousness, sitting here 10 plus years on, there’s a list longer than my arm of things I wish you knew back then. Most importantly though…speak up.
You know what I think you should have spoken up about — the anxiety. You saw it in your friends, but refused to acknowledge it in yourself. Why? Because you were so good at getting away with it? With the feeling of your heart about to burst when in a social situation? With the constant replaying of every word you said out loud or movement you made in front of anyone other than yourself?
No one else noticed so why should you?
Except, I wish you had. It took years (and mom finally calling us out on our bullshit) to realize saying something and seeing a doctor should have been done years ago. No one deserves to live in perpetual fear, questioning their entire existence until you can’t even smile without worrying how another person might judge you. When really the person wasn’t paying attention to you. Their focus was on their life issues. Which is totally fair.
It’s okay now, though; we’re all good. But, I wish you’d spoken up. Told someone. Advocated for yourself. You missed out on happiness earlier on in life, dealing with college, boyfriends, friends, and family in a healthier manner.
But, just in case this worries you, it all worked out. Our family and friends are just as awesome as ever and our boyfriend truly is “Mr. Charming” as our dad likes to call him.
Also, quality is always more important than quantity or cost. I say this with a new book cover created for my upcoming novel, Of Ash & Shadow. I learned this lesson years ago, but forgot.
One thing I’m glad you never thought about though was self-publishing. Not because it’s bad. In fact, it’s become a viable and amazing way for talented authors to get their work out and seen without needing an agent or a publishing house. I’m glad you didn’t because you weren’t ready.
None of our books before now were ready. I know you think all those stories in your head will pan out. That the book you wrote in high school will be the book you publish first. Let me tell you…the book you publish first is book number 6…or is it 7? Honestly, we’ve written so many now, I can’t remember.
But that’s okay!
We learned and grew and changed across all these years. We went to college and then graduate school, both amazing experiences for vastly different reasons. We had our heart broken – repeatedly. And sometimes it broke not because we truly loved the boy breaking it, but because the anxiety made us think we loved him.
We were not ready to publish. Traditionally or independently. We hadn’t lived enough back then.
We weren’t ready to give Wyn the story she deserved.
We hadn’t suffered enough or learned enough or done enough.
I think, though; we finally are ready.
So thanks for making all the mistakes for us…even sleeping on Firefly, because you got to fall in love with it with our family and then introduce Joey, the man of our dreams, to it, and I wouldn’t trade a better past for any of that in the whole world.